Finding Nirvana

I’m on a mission to find peace within. This all started with one (Yep. One! Count it! UNO!) yoga class I’d taken a few months ago and has steadily progressed into…. a place I’ve found. It’s dragged me out of my shell and dropped me somewhere new. Somewhere that I’m more aware of my “self talk” and the conversations I have with others. It allows ease in finding something amazing in the everyday “stuff” and just makes things better. 

​It’s also led to my interest in meditation. There’s a weird thing that happens when you successfully meditate. (the key word here is successfully) You find yourself carving out more time for meditation. What happens bi weekly turns into three times a week. Turns into daily. Turns into recognizing when you’re feeling stressed and finding a way to positively respond to the stress and stop it before it takes over your life.


​Annnnnnnd suddenly you’re calmer. More “grounded” – whatever that means. Seriously! “Grounded” is a silly term that can only be understood once you experience it. Until then, it’s just a word. And if you dare to speak that word to someone who hasn’t experienced it you’ll likely to catch an eye roll. ( or a throat punch)


​The frustration of the “ungrounded” is real my friends.


​This interest in meditation led me to seek out others who meditate in hopes of guidance in my new skill. And as luck would have it, a meditation class is scheduled at the yoga studio I attend RIGHT AFTER my yoga class. (Seriously yo. That’s like fate or something.) It took a few weeks of preparing the homestead for my 13 hour long absence, (Don’t judge! A girls gotta work. Follow that with a yoga class AND a meditation class and BAM! Gone all day long! ) but we got it figured out.


​So there I was, sitting in a circle, knee to knee with a dozen or so fellow mediators looking for guidance on the path of the enlightened.

 The first order of the day was to open the floor so the attendees could discuss their week and how the lessons they’ve learned during class were used. A few stood up to speak. We laughed. We nodded. We enjoyed their insight.


​Then came Lady C. We all strained to listen as she quietly described her crappy day. She mentioned hating to be a speaker but being assigned a presentation for 50 people that day. It didn’t go well. The projector didn’t work, the microphone sounded awful. Things fell down. The more that happened, the worse it got. She was exhausted, her ego was wounded and she was struggling.


​As the tears began to stream down her face she asked a question that hit me in my core so hard it took my breath away. “How do I find nirvana?”


​No one spoke. We all empathized with her, but we didn’t have an answer. The silence was deafening.


​That moment stayed with me all week long. I wanted the answer. I wanted that peace. I needed an understanding.


​The following Monday was my day to watch Baby ‘Rissma. Our beautiful, fun, and curious one year old “baby from another mama”. She was especially busy that day and I was frustrated. Nothing she was doing was out of the ordinary for a curious one year old; I was just tired and overwhelmed. In a desperate attempt to distress the situation I opened my front door and let her go outside to explore, while I followed an arms length behind.


​It was on this walk that I discovered how to find nirvana.


​Nirvana isn’t “A” place, it’s EVERY place. It’s in every moment, and all around. You just have to look at the world through the eyes of a one year old. If you’re not sure how to do that, I strongly suggest you find your nearest one year old right away. Scoop them up, kiss their sweet face, then set them in a field and watch the magic happen.


​I could go into the science of a one year old and their brain; tell you how it’s constantly developing, that they’re learning from their senses, blah, blah ,blah. But I won’t.- Not because I don’t want to, but because I just don’t speak “in science.” (I wish I was that cool) So instead of the facts, I’ll share the awesome that is finding nirvana by way of looking at the world through the eyes of a one year old.


​See, when a one year old steps into any surrounding, they’re experiencing it for the first time. It’s true, they may have seen it the day before, or even five minutes ago, but it’s still new to them. They haven’t smelled THAT smell yet, or tasted THAT corner of table. The colors are new to study. The texture is new to touch. 

 And they will smell, taste, look at intently and touch the crap out of everything in EVERY situation.


​And that my friend IS nirvana.


​So the next time you decide you need to find it, stop for a second. Take a breath. Let yourself understand what the ground feels like under your feet. What the sun feels like on your face. How the air smells. Listen to the sounds around you. Just let yourself be for a second. You have never experienced this moment, and you never will again.


​That’s a big deal. Appreciate it.





One of these things is not like the other…

one of these things just ain’t the same. 


I am a mom first. In every aspect of my life. My successes. My failures. My joy. My pain. From the clothes I wear and the shoes on my feet ( sandals always. This mama cannot rock da heels no more) to my schedule and interests, I’m “just” a mom. 

When my oldest daughter was 6 weeks and 4 days old September 11th happened. I remember watching the live broadcast and hearing witnesses call the TV station to give their versions of the story. 

One man talked about racing down the stairs of one of the towers after the plane had hit. The chaos. The fear. The pain. Then he mentioned seeing a man in a wheelchair on like the 90th floor and how the man was trying to get out through the stairwell. The caller said everyone was so afraid they wouldn’t stop for him. They just left the wheelchair bound man in the stairwell.The man on the phone began to sob. 

So did I. 

In that moment, looking at my first borns perfect face,  I understood what it meant to be someone’s everything. I understood what it meant to love someone so much that through them you loved everyone, because, damnit, the world needed to be a better place. 

There is nothing like a child to make you  question what kind of person you really are. 

Making the decision to become a foster parent was an easy choice. I’d been a foster child myself, I’m all too familiar with the need for good people to be a support system for an innocent child. Being that person for someone just  made sense to me. 

Despite the logic behind the madness, I have to confess I still didn’t know if I could form a bond with a child that wasn’t really mine. – I’m not saying I wouldn’t love them, I just wasn’t sure it would be with the same …..irrational passion that fuels my core when I look into the eyes of the children I made from scratch.

Today I learned that unconditional love comes in all sizes. 

It started outside of a courtroom. The baby and I were waiting to be seen by the judge and I realized we were all alone in the waiting area. I knew…. I knew when I started the day that the mom and dad of the newborn foster child we are caring for couldn’t make it to the hearing . I knew that. But knowing that and seeing that are 2 totally different things. 

That wooden bench gets mighty cold when you’re the only one sitting on it. My heart broke for her.

As court ended and the attorneys came to see the newborn they’d been discussing for the last hour I began to notice she was twitching. At first it was just one arm. Then it was both. Suddenly all of her limbs were flailing about. 

I rushed her to her pediatrician who ordered some labs and discussed what will be happening in our lives over the next few weeks as we try to figure out if these apparent seizures are permanent.

Getting her to the lab was easy. Having her blood drawn…. Not so much. As two adults held her down and pulled blood from her tiny little arms I paced frantically behind them. I’d never heard her cry like that before and every inch of my being wanted to call them off or throw them into a wall. 

I finally caved and allowed myself to wedge into a small spot between the lab techs and the wall. Scopping up her delicate hand and locking eyes with her just inches from her face  I whispered “it’s gonna be ok baby” as I stroked her cheek and began humming. 

And she stopped crying. It was almost instant. It was stunning.

“Oh. My. Gosh.” Said one of the techs. ” She knows you. Look at her face! That’s amazing!”

It really, really was.

She may not be just like the others, but she is the same.

A Proper Introduction.



How are you? 

*kiss kiss* 

Sigh….. Sometimes introducing yourself can be one of the hardest things in the world to do. It’s just…. Awkward. 

But here I go.

This is me. Now before you go all crazy stalker on my ass, please note, this is me on a REALLY good day. It took me like 4 hours to get prepped for the night that came after this photo. 

I don’t normally get 4 hours to do any one thing. Especially something that’s just for me. In fact, most days I feel like I’m winning if I’ve gotten to wash my face AND brush my hair in one sitting. Especially if I got those things completed by noon and/or alone. Don’t even get me started on brushing my teeth!

That’s a little more like it. ( I did soften it up a bit) Seriously. Makeup can do some of the most amazing things people! -and that kid in my arms, trying to lick my toothbrush away….. That is what most of my life really looks like.

What you’re looking at right here is three pieces of my heart that managed to escape my body and are now trying to create life’s of their own. Most people call them children. I refer to them as Kid 1, Kid 2 and Baby. 

There are 2 other children that rule my day, I’ll probably mention them regularly, but never by name or photo. They are my kids, but not biologically. We are, what the state refers to as a “resource family”. The term ” foster family” is most common. Currently, we have a newborn and a preschooler. 

Back to kids 1,2 & baby.

Kid 1 is currently at battle with a blood disorder called Thrombocytopenia. We’ve been making monthly visits to the Phoenix Childrens Hospital for IVIG transfusions. 

This. Sucks. 

Ya know what makes it worse? Feeling helpless, afraid and exhausted. Only to walk out of her hospital room and be surrounded by other sick kids. But not just any kind of sick, we’re talking real sick. 

Cancer sick. 

Ugh. Those beautiful babies all walking the floor with their chemo bags and hospital slippers, smiling. Freaking smiling. And laughing. Eager to tell you a story or lend you a hand. 

I just wanna punch myself for being such a wuss. 

Kid 1 is smart, kind and so much fun to talk to. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world when I sit next to her.

Kid #2 is your typical ” I just became a teenage boy watch what I can do” kid. He’s funny, smart and sometimes when I look at him the air in my lungs gets knocked from my chest. I just love him so much. 

Then there’s Baby. And she is just that. Everyone loves her and she knows it. Having the opportunity to see the world thru her eyes has been awesome.

At the center of my world is this guy right here. 

The Mr. 

He’s pretty special. We’ve been running our world as a team for just over 15 years. Prior to that he was my confidant for 5. Good or bad, he’s not going anywhere. 

To quote Grace from “Will & Grace” 

“My love for you is like this scar. Ugly. But permanent.”

The Mr is an active duty Marine with 7 deployments under his belt. 5 of which were war time deployments. He’s home. He’s safe. But he’s not always the same person. But neither are the rest of us. 

We’re learning how to be the best we can be as a family each and everyday. This isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. 

Short of the 6 other people that run my days to the fullest they can be, I also am working on my 2nd degree. I also own a small shop in downtown Yuma called the Ms COOP Project. 

I LOVE my store. And everyone in it. They are without a doubt some of the most incredibly talented women I’ve ever met. Everyday with them is a blessing and I can’t wait to talk about them in upcoming posts.

So that’s it. My introduction. I’m looking forward to sharing my adventures with you in the months ahead 🙂

The Ms COOP Project

What is it and why you should care.

The “what” in “What is the Ms COOP Project”

Ms COOP is short for Military Spouse Co-op Project. The mission of the Ms COOP Project is to create an environment of support and encouragment of military spouses wanting to be more than a “dependapotomus”. Through the Ms COOP Project platform, a spouse can introduce their products to the public in a store setting while learning business and marketing skills that will be indispensable to their future. 

The “why” in “Why the Ms COOP Project?”

Military spouses face many challenges when it comes to having a career and balancing the family and personal demands they often endure because of their…..Lifestyle. It’s recently been noted that more spouses are underemployed or unemployed due to constant moves, different cultures, and family needs that often fall on the spouses shoulders than that of their civilian counterparts. This project is about support, leadership and community. In working together, people can acheive their dreams and improve their futures.

For more information, please go to our website ( )  or follow us on Facebook.


Wife Lessons 101 (Thank you Marine Corps)

As this 238th birthday of the United States Marine Corps comes to a close, I can’t help but reflect on the many lessons I’ve learned over the last 14 years.. In celebration of the many amazing Marines I’ve had the pleasure to know, the families they fight for and the countless experiences I’ve been given, I’ll do my best to share a few now.

Lesson 1. Never take a moment or a person for granted.
In the homes of many military families is a framed picture with the words “Live everyday like he deploys tomorrow.” It’s a beautiful sentiment. An idea that should be followed. However, this sentiment should not stop with your spouse.
There will be many lasts as you move through your years as a military spouse. Realistically, you will have more lasts with every other relationship in your life during your spouses career than your last day before a deployment(s) with your spouse.
You’ll have last days with your “real” family (the ones you share blood with) as you say goodbye to be with your spouse. You’ll have last days with the friends you grew up with, and last days in your home town.
Only to turn around 2 to 3 years later and have last days with your family (the ones you made at your duty station) Last days with your friends, and last days in your newest home.
Savor every day and every encounter like you will leave tomorrow.

2. NEVER miss an opportunity to learn something. 

No. I’m not talking about learning everything you can about the branch your spouse serves in. While that’s all moto-awesome, expand beyond your spouses service. Take every opportunity given to grow as an individual. Do not become “just” a military spouse or a mom. Take cooking classes, join clubs. Finish your degree. Then start another one.

And remember, you’re lucky to have the opportunity to travel the world every few years thanks to the military orders your family is assigned, (like how I twisted the words “military orders” into something positive? Hee hee!) GET OUT THERE. Experience the culture you’re surrounded by. Eat the food. Learn the language. Learn the history.

Ya know what’s worse than being “stuck in some s^&$ hole thanks to military orders? Leaving that s%^& hole and hearing people talk about the things they seen and did while they were there. “Scuba diving in Pensacola?! Whaaaaaaat?!” Yeah. You missed it because you were to busy locked away in your one bedroom apartment calling everyone you know- in other time zones- to tell them how miserable you are. That’s dumb. Don’t be dumb.


Lesson 3. Take LOTS of pictures. 

Seriously. Take. Lots. Of. Pictures. And when you think you’ve taken too many, reload that camera and take some more.

When will you ever see that place again? Or those faces? Your spouse will never look the way he does right now. Your friends will move away. Your kids will grow. Capture every moment while you can.

Lesson 4. Celebrate.

Celebrate. Celebrate. Celebrate everything. -and then take pictures!- Kid 1 got every word on his spelling test right? PARTY! Your friend got a new job? Let her know you’re proud of her and do something fun.

Go to the hail and farewells. Go to the unit holiday parties. Go to the Balls. Your time with these people is small. Your reasons to celebrate are limited. Make reasons of your own.

In your life as a military spouse you will see darkness. You will know horror and fear. You will know loss and pain. These “stupid little gatherings” could be the only thing that pull you through. Create them. Create them often.

Lesson 5. Put yourself out there.

Ok, it’s not always easy to make friends. Especially when you know you’ll have to say goodbye to them sooner then later. Do it anyway. Ya know what’s worse than saying goodbye to someone you care about? Not having someone to say hello to.

Lesson 6. Always have cookie dough and crock pot meals in the freezer.

Ya never know when a family in your spouses unit will have a “life situation” that a good meal or some “I’m thinking of you” cookies can help. As spouses we endure having babies, broken bones, illnesses and so much more. And  many times we will be asked to brave these things thousands of miles from our family and often our spouse. That frozen meal and your stopping in to check on them could be the one thing that pushes a “sister wife” forward. Reminding them they are not alone and are strong enough to keep going.

Besides, if you somehow find yourself surrounded by families that never need a helping hand, you have dinner and dessert for the days YOU don’t think you can get through. It’s a win-win.

Lesson 7. Share your stories and experiences. Good. Bad. And ugly.

And not just with your new friends. Share them with your family through social media. Too often we move away and lose touch with our BFF’s, cousins, aunts and uncles. Next thing you know you’re home for Christmas, surrounded by people you’ve known your entire life and you feel like an outcast. You’re lucky if they remember where you live, yet alone where you work or any interests you may have developed since the last time you seen them. This is lonely. And awkward.

Thanks to social media you don’t have to experience this anymore. Tell your stories. Share your pictures. Let them celebrate with you, or share in your bad day. Reach out to them. And ALWAYS return the favor. Let them know you’re happy for them when they have something to celebrate. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Encourage them.

Share your lives. You’ll be glad you did on your next visit home.

Lesson 8. Make traditions.

Especially if you’re raising “military brats”. They may never know what it’s like to celebrate 4th of July with BBQs with their cousins. Or witness a Christmas Pageant at the church they’ve gone to since the day they were created. Find a way to make this up to them. Give them traditions.

On the off chance you made it through the military life without children, make traditions anyway. Everyone needs a feeling of home that can only be created through traditions.

Lesson 9. Listen to your predecessors.  

Sure, you may think you have nothing in common with the 70 year old woman going on and on about how easy you have it thanks to computers. -After all you can talk to your deployed spouse often thanks to technology. Hell, you can even see them! *Gasp!*

While it might seem worthless to listen to that woman rattle on and on about how hard it was to wash her clothes in the kitchen sink because the luxury of washing machines wasn’t a birth rite in her time, you’ll be grateful for her recollections when you discover TMO “lost” your washing machine. She is wise. Listen to her. Learn from her. Appreciate her.

Lastly, Lesson 9. NEVER miss the opportunity to tell someone they’re wonderful. 

Whether it’s your best friend or some random person on the corner. If you are gifted the opportunity to compliment them for their awesomeness-whatever it may be- do it. It will make their day, and yours. Try it. You’ll see 🙂

This one time…In the car….

A road trip story.

Being that we had a lot of places to see last week, we spent a lot of time on the road to and from our sights. To kill this time the 4 of us would play the “What’s the song? Who sings it?” game. Each of us taking our turn picking a song on my iPhone, the others trying to figure out who sings it, then jamming to the music.

It’s a great way to kill the time.

Music to me has always been a form of self-expression. Stories and thoughts performed in (for me anyway) the most personal and self-exposing form.  It can make me laugh or strip me raw of every emotion I bottle up inside. For that reason, the difference between my favorite music and The Mr.’s favorite music is baffling to me.

He’s a Led Zeplin, Beatles, AC/DC fanatic. I am a Skillet, Theory of a Deadman, Sara Barrellis, The Fray and Shinedown  kindda girl. (yes, Glee   remakes too :))

Shuffling through “our” music can be interesting. It’s more common to find one jamming out, and the other listening quietly. –there’s no irritation that the others music is on, it’s just obvious who likes each band.

Annnnnndddddd…..That’s how our hours in the car were spent

At least till “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down came on. With The Mr. sitting next to me, singing along I caught a glimpse of every emotion we fought for survival to during his deployments. Every imaginary conversation we had with the other. Every missed holiday. Every memory unshared.  Every laugh. Every tear that dropped.

I saw everything.

The return of his last deployment was almost 3 years ago and I still shake when I’m forced to (and I mean forced. I don’t look back at those 5 deployments from 04-09 on my own free will) recall a story from a time he wasn’t there.

I’ve read stories where there’s a description of the characters heart being pulled, or they realize something and it takes their very breath away. Without these intentionally left behind memories, those words would never have meaning. They’re just words in some random book, there to fill up the space on the pages/

But force me to remember something that happened during a deployment though…..I swear I can actually feel my heart spread out across my chest.

Picture pancake batter poured into a pan. It spreads across the pan, flattens and then hardens.

Yup. That’s what it feels like.

I’m fairly certain during those times my heart isn’t even  in my chest, but dripping below my ribcage. And I can’t breathe. Not like the “I ran to fast and can’t catch my breath” type of gasping for air, but like my chest is already full and I can’t get air in. My lungs fill 3 times bigger than normal and nothing quiets the throbbing of my heart in my ears.

For all of these reasons, I don’t think about those years.

For all those reasons, that song was on the “crying list” If you don’t have one, let me explain what that is….Life gets crazy. People get busy. Things happen. Good. Bad. And Ugly.  Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to process them right away, so you do what you can, then set the rest aside.  A common side effect of this is that a day comes when you need to dump the bricks that have built in your chest but you just can’t. The words and tears don’t come.

That’s what the crying list is for.  Find the songs that make you cry and push repeat till you can’t cry anymore. It’s a survival technique.

It sounds morbid and depressing, but it’s not meant to be. I found it to be the most healing in all the chaos of those years. There are very few people that understand the emotional crap (yup I said crap) that comes with a deployment. There are even fewer that can be trusted with your crap and can help carry the weight when it needs to be dropped. Often times, the “crying list” is the best remedy.

So there I was. Listening to one of the songs that at one time had been key to my survival but was now just a memory I preferred to ignore and I was making a new memory. A memory with The Mr. sitting beside me.

Sometimes  things just happen that way. When they do, it’s fantastic.

Thank you Candy Crush

This one time in psychology class- or maybe it was a writing class? Weird that I can’t remember now!- Anyway, this one time in A class, we were told to write for five minutes. No stopping. No thinking. Just write until the timer went off.

It’s been 2 very long months since I’ve written, and it seems with each passing day, the writing block seems to get bigger and bigger. To avoid like total blockage, I’m going to attempt this class lesson once more.

This should be interesting….

Without further ado, I give you my brain. Uncensored. For five. Whole. Minutes.

Ready? Here we go 🙂

So if you just pictured me like jumping from one screen to another all frantic n shit to get the timer started, you were spot on.


Yep. This is me. Open. And free. Ok not so much. Today I was actually thinking about writing something along the lines of “Dear Kids, sometimes it sucks to be your mom”. Dude. That looks horrible all out there on my screen right now. But I DID think it. I wanted to follow it up with stories from the trenches of mom-dum ya know? Like, maybe chasing the 1 year old down the street in heels because she got free from my hand and those stupid shoes were NOT actually meant to be worn by  moms.

Or maybe I’d include the awesome times I’ve gone in public with goo all over me…OH! I once sat in an ER with my oldest munchkin for EIGHT long hours. Covered in vomit because she’d puked down my back (again). I was finally allowed to change when they admitted her into the hospital and put me in a pair of scrubs and sat with her so they could wash my clothes. That makes me wonder…How stinky does one have to be to have the hospital staff offer to wash your clothes?

Well whatever that level if stinky that is, I reached it that day!

What else would I include in my “Dear Kids” Letter?

How about how crappy I feel when I’m forced to stand over the kids while they do their chores. Or their homework. Or get on the internet. Or when they…. Dude. WHEN DID I BECOME A  FRICKIN DICTATOR?! This shit sucks.

I would of course end it with some sweet silly nothings just to remind them I still love them and that I don’t realllllly mean it. But yeah. Other than that, I’ve got nothing. Not a thing I can think of to write ab-

Times up. YAY! Look at that. I wrote something. And now I have some mojo back.. Hmmmmm I wonder what I can get into now that I’m over that hump.

Should we try it? Ok. Here we go.

So, yes. It has in fact been 2 months since I’ve written. That seems so long! But it went by so fast!

I wish I could say I was out solving world hunger. Or creating some great masterpiece. Hell, I’d even setter for  wearing  the title of “mom” as an excuse if I could!

In my defense, I did start a new job, (which I love btw) and am all but 4 weeks done with the first of -hopefully- many degree programs I’m hoping to complete in the next 5 years. HEY!! I just realized I have a sliver of a 5 year plan!!

Holy canoli rocky! I CAN  think like a grown up sometimes! SCORE!

Don’t forget to add in the zoo I call home as a total time sucker. 3 kids and 1 “Mr.” are more than enough busy for many people!

So I wouldn’t be…Completely lying when I said life has been crazy in here lately. But it wouldn’t be completely honest either.

Where has my spare time gone the last 2 months?

I discovered Candy Crush.

The first-I dunno- hundred or so boards were filled with love and excitement. Now I loathe it with a deep hatred and disgust only a true addict can understand. And despite that loathing, I still find myself playing a game (or 8) every night before bed.

I will say this though. Candy Crush has taught me some valuable life lessons over the last 2 months. Like;

– I don’t always see the big picture. In candy crush terms, this means I only look at a few rows at a time and don’t really set up my board for the next big move. But, if I’m going all philosophical and junk,  it says  I don’t always see past the little things to the ones that will make a huge difference in my life. I should probably work on that.

– I also learned  can still pull off an all nighter. Boy did I ever too! And more than once!-that was a shock to me! I totally thought I was too old for that ball of crazy!- And by golly, if I can pull off an all nighter for some lame a$$ game, I can give 10 more minutes to the project I’m working on, or to make one “last call” to someone that matters just to let them know how much.

– Thanks to Candy Crush, I also now know that I have what my psychology professor would have referred to as an “addictive personality” and once I’m hooked on something, there’s no room in my life for anything else. For anyone who wants to argue with me about with draw symptoms of candy crush I ask this; Have you ever dreamed in crush mode? Or seen little candy pieces blowing up as you tried to grocery shop? Kicking this habit is no easy feat. (I’m partly teasing- but I’ll never admit to which part :0)

-I also understand paranoia now. And probably hallucinations too. Yes, I may be “crush sober” at this time, but I’m still convinced there’s a man living on the other side of my phone watching my every game move and changing the pieces of the game when I blink to make sure I only win when he decides it’s time. He also listens to my conversations and sends me advertisements for random crap I was just talking about with my friends-and not on my phone. People  I was talking to face to face.

……Effin cheaters.How you gonna change up my candy pieces so I can’t win the board?! That’s not fair!

With that, I would like to say “Thanks Candy Crush” 🙂

(and good night. )